A fluffy loss

 

"In the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody you cared about used to be."

~ Damon Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries) 

 When I heard this quote from the vampire diaries, it pierced through my heart. I have always stayed away from emotional attachments, maybe because I feared the pain and agony losing the person might cause. But certainly one cannot avoid the inevitable. I have loved and lost, and the pain it causes is like death by thousand cuts. I wish I could show the people that caused the pain how exactly a bleeding heart with thousand cuts looks like because obviously they won't know how it feels to cause someone such pain.

Love and affection can be for anybody may it be a person or animal or even non living things. When you love somebody since they were brought into the world, losing them can feel the end of the world. I can say loving animals is better than loving humans atleast they are loyal. I had a pet rabbit who passed away a couple days back. 

As usual I was fast asleep in my bed, When I got a call from my mom. She called and asked me to pick up the video call. Her voice contained fear and obviously when you live in a different state hundreds of miles away from your family and out of nowhere your mom calls you at 7:30 in the morning you won't think straight. The same  happened with me I couldn't think straight, in the span of like 15 seconds all the worst thoughts of the world crossed my mind. I answered her called she still had shivers in her voice, she set the camera to my bunny he looked pale than usual. she gave him his favorite meal i.e. a fresh coriander bunch but he won't even look at it. He refused to eat anything or even take drop of water, my mom caressed his forehead but he won't respond. This was only time when I saw him this inactive and non responsive. I was scared, I told my mom to keep trying to feed him. She ended the call and said she'll call later. I was trying to sleep when I got another call from her in less than 15 mins of the pervious call. She was held him in her lap, she was calling his name and asking him to wake up but he did not respond. And in that moment I broke into tears, my eyes couldn't bear the scene of him lying in such a helpless state. I couldn't stop crying because in that moment I knew I lost him. In that moment all I could think was how I should have been there with him, to help him, to spent the last few moments with him but I couldn't. In Just 2 seconds he was gone, I couldn't see him. I didn't have the courage to see him suffer. I didn't have the courage to see him leave.

Kalu when he was a month old

2nd of May 2021, I still remember the day when Kalu my rabbit was born. My dad used to call him Kalia in the beginning because he had black patches on his body, but that name sounded weird so I told him to name him something else and my dad being sarcastic as usual started calling him 'Kalu' and that turned out to be his name forever. I loved Kalu since the moment he was born. he was born with four other baby rabbits, all of them white as snow. Kalu was the only one with different color among all of them. And that made him different from others and that was the reason he was my favorite. When the babies were grown enough we gave away the others to some of our relatives and kept Kalu with us. 

He was the prettiest bunny I've ever seen, soft white fur with black fur patches was a deadly combination to be honest. Pretty Big and sharp ears. He had the most beautiful eyes any animal could have, big black ebony eyes and his black fur just above his eyes appeared like his brows which made me fall in love with him even more. I had the cutest creature as pet. In the 3 years of his life there won't be a single spot in our house he hasn't explored, he knew the house more than us. his random "I'm tired" kind of naps, his joyful hoping all over the house, his hopeful stare at mom for getting a "garma garam chapati", his shitting over the couch and running away fearing Mumma, randomly licking dad's legs, kissing and licking all over my face, being the most photographable pet, resting in savage poses, running and playing with my brother, demanding more caressing from my sister. All of this with his cute wordless actions.

Like Damon said, Losing Kalu will be like a hole in my life. A hole where he'll live free in our hearts and life. I never knew an animal can make me capable of such affection towards them. As I said when you love someone or something may it be a person or animal or a non living thing, the pain caused by their absence is unimaginable. People might think I'm overreacting and being dramatic about a rabbit's death but when you spend every single day with someone for a such a long period you can't help it when their absence hurts you so much.

Dearest Kalu,

I love you baby and will miss you for life. you've been the best. we'll always remember you whenever garma garam chapati is cooked, and we'll plant a tree in your memory. 

Love, 

Manasi💕.   

                        

 

     

Cherishing Hearts

 I love you isn't enough.

I want to feel the first light

wrapped around in your arms,

I want to catch you gazing me 

when I splash my soaked strands across your face 

giggling and fluttery,

I want you to hold my wrist 

when you see me removing the veggies from my breakfast and putting them in your plate, 

I want to pull over your hoodie when its chilly  

for the little walk in our garden,

I want my cheeks to grow red like tomatoes 

when you lift me and walk over to your car, 

I want our fingers to touch and our mouths to collide 

when we pull our car over the empty roadside,

I want you to dance along with me in the rains 

while you sing all the Taylor swift songs with me  

and sip tea at the corner tea stall,

I want hear you lecturing for dancing in rain 

fearing if for my sickness,

I want you to drive me home 

and bring me warm clothes and dry my hair,

I want to cook you dinner 

and you appreciating the food like its the best you've ever had,

I want to crash in the couch in your arms 

and watch our favorite 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S' episodes,

I want to act I'm asleep for you

to carry me to our bed,

I want you to wrap your arm around me protectively

turn off the lights and fall asleep as the gleam moonlight passes through the window, 

I don't want a hallow "I Love You" 

I want all those moments that make me fall in love with you 

and all those moments that make you love me, 

I want all the moments that makes us love us,

I want it to be more than just pretty words 

but all the sweet gestures,

More than "I Love You"

But All the forehead kisses with love... 

          ~ Manasiv.22 

 

 

 

MOONCHILD

 She's the moonchild,

Sitting in the dark corner of her terrace where the moon could hardly reach but she could watch him shine 

She would sit numb for hours just staring at him,

Sometimes telling him about how her life sucks , how she's been losing herself and all her shit secrets

She's drowning in her sorrows and trauma where he's the only saviour.

She's the moonchild who keeps searching for the moon even when it's not his night.

She wants to let go her pain but keeps adding on to it.

She wants to stop thinking about it but to stop thinking is also thinking she forgets.

She wants to get out of the dark but everytime she tries taking a step out ends up pushing herself into more dense darkness.

She wants to die but lives much harder 

Watching the moon,

Watching him go through phased from fully bright and visible to dark and invisible.

She's the moonchild living by the moon surviving in its light....

~manasiv.22

HEALING HEARTS

 This happened a few weeks back my friend was going through a really bad breakup, I saw her struggling to keep herself together. I also saw she was struggling to keep herself together not because she didn't want the breakup but because she couldn't handle the anxiety and mental disturbance the toxicity the relation brought. I was talking to her about it, she said she gave her partner multiple chances to change but he would never do justice to the chance he got every time. his toxic behavior never changed, it got worst over time, so she decided to breakup.

I couldn't keep myself from asking her if she ever regrets any of it, and to my surprise she exactly answered what I thought of. she said she knew in the first place itself things weren't gonna end well with the two. But we are humans and we do things which we know we shouldn't do. That's exactly how human psychology works, we are more keen to do things we are prohibited to do and not think about the consequences of our actions. she said she regrets starting anything with him in the first place itself. And I did not expect anything more from her because I saw her go through hell during their relationship.

But her answer got me thinking about can we regret having someone in our life who has been or was a huge part of our life, With whom we share some of the happiest moments of life, who's presence around you once meant the world to you, who you thought would your ultimate savior from the world's cruel side. After a quite good amount of time and thinking I realized, YES it is possible to regret all of it. All of the happy times, the laughs, the moments And the PERSON ofcourse. Because none of it not the happy times , laughs , moments and not even the person can cover up or mask up the toxicity the person brought. There's nothing in the world that can cover up for the destruction of the peace you had in your life, PEACE is all that maters in the end. Not happiness, not sadness, no love , no nothing , only peace and just peace.

We all want something in our lives, we all desire for something in our lives. Some want happiness , some want satisfaction , some want success , some want love , some want pleasure. And when we pursue what we want or what we desire, it is the ultimate way to the finding peace in life. Because when a human gets what it wants, it brings peace to their soul, and when your soul is at peace everything is at peace in your life.

So YES , you can regret every single thing or even a person that cost you your peace.